and they were roommates

While railing your roomie is certainly not the most conventional way to go about dating, it has its benefits: it decreases the proportion of time spent commuting, increases the proportion of time spent naked, and creates a sense of comforting domestic intimacy. I dated my roommate, and here’s how you can too!

1. Move into an all queer household. Results will be best if you share a room with a mysterious lesbian who is older and much cooler than you are.

2. Bond with your roommate. Bonding activities can include (but are not limited to):

• Letting her teach you how to hit a bong
• Complimenting her groovy guitar skills
• Sharing your floral button-ups
• Scouring thrift stores together for more floral button-ups
• Drunkenly holding hands

3. Remain oblivious to her (rather obvious) attempts at flirting for several weeks. This is not a step you will have to consciously take as you have been conditioned to interpret any affection from girls as strictly platonic.

4. Take care of her when she gets a little too drunk at a party — the things she says to you in this instance will be...illuminating. Realize you’re an idiot, and there’s a chance that you definitely like her back.

5. Watch Portrait of a Lady on Fire together. Alone. It is nearly physically impossible for two queer women to watch this film together and not kiss at the end.

6. Go on a date and immediately realize it will be the first of many.

7. (Optional) DO NOT tell your other roommates for several months. While sneaking around is fun, this step is optional because the number of moments that cause near-heart attacks will undoubtedly shave at least a year off your life. Additionally, it may lead to gossip, questions, and discovery while doing something as innocuous as holding hands and walking down the street. Follow this step at your own discretion.

8. Enjoy your new roommate-girlfriend! You may find that the activities you formerly found mundane will become fun, and at times, sexy. Making dinner, doing laundry, and even shopping for toilet paper can become an adventure if you do these things together. But of course, remember to take your roommate-girlfriend out on a real date every once in a while — she deserves it.